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<title>The Journal of Steven J McGarrett by RandoFando_Spoonie</title>
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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25021615">The Journal of Steven J McGarrett</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/RandoFando_Spoonie/pseuds/RandoFando_Spoonie'>RandoFando_Spoonie</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>The Journals of... [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Hawaii Five-0 (2010)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Gen, Journaling, Steve has to keep a journal for therapy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 07:07:53</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>684</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25021615</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/RandoFando_Spoonie/pseuds/RandoFando_Spoonie</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Companion piece to Who Says You Can't Go Home. Steve is told to keep a journal by his therapist just like Danny, Steve's "Day 1" is Danny's "Day 273" (just for reference). Posts will happen randomly, to fill in the blanks between chapters. Not every day will have an entry even though Steve will be journaling every day. Some days might have more than one, we'll see how it all goes.</p><p>ON HIATUS</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>The Journals of... [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1802611</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>19</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The Journal of Steven J McGarrett</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This entry takes place after Chapter 15 of Who Says You Can't Go Home. Danny's entry will follow at a later date in his own story.</p><p>Any similarities to the works of other authors on this archive is purely coincidental; all works original.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="western">
  <em>
    <b>The Journal of Steven J McGarrett</b>
  </em>
</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">
  <em>
    <b>Day 3 – 2300 </b>
  </em>
</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">
  <em>
    <b>So much happened today. Things are going well with Danny and Freddie, this routine we have is good. It feels like home. </b>
  </em>
</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">
  <em>
    <b>Grace and Charlie came over today. I think my cheek still stings from where Grace slapped me. I know it's not really possible, but it feels like it should. She was so angry, I don't think I've ever seen Gracie that angry. And Charlie, my poor sweet Charlie. He said he hated me. It was so cold and empty, I've never heard him like that either. He's always such a bright, happy kid. It killed me inside, knowing I'd hurt them so badly. I suppose I should have seen that coming. If I hurt Danny this badly, they're his kids, they'd have seen how hard this was on him and of course it would hurt them too. And not just because I hurt Danny. I hurt them too. I left them too.</b>
  </em>
</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">
  <em>
    <b>Charlie came back though. He cried and told me he thought I'd replaced him with Freddie and that killed me all over again. He's my Lil D now, we decided. He's too tall to be Mini D anymore but it's okay, he's still my Charlie. We talked, he helped me change Freddie's diaper and even held and fed him. It was so sweet. Danny joined us, it was almost, almost like we were a family. </b>
  </em>
</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">
  <em>
    <b>I helped with dinner tonight, we made burgers. I grilled them and Danny taught Charlie how to use a knife properly to cut veggies. It was so domestic it made my heart hurt. Charlie asked me about loving Danny, I was honest with him. Told him the truth about who I am, about DADT, about how hard it was to be in the military and be gay. He was really understanding about it, though he thought not being out was like lying.</b>
  </em>
</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">
  <em>
    <b>Over dinner Danno explained to Charlie that sometimes it's not a lie of omission it's more like keeping a secret. And sometimes you have to keep secrets to keep yourself and other people safe. I wish I'd thought of it like that when I was trying to explain to Charlie why I didn't come out sooner. Except maybe once I was out of the Navy I should've said something. After the transplant I should've come clean, should've stopped keeping up the charade. Lynn didn't deserve that. None of those women did. <strike>Not even Catherine.</strike></b>
  </em>
</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">Steve frowned as he looked at the last line and then scratched it out, Catherine used him as much as he used her.</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">
  <em>
    <b>I still love Danno, I told him today that I love him. It was after Grace left. I'm not sure I should have but I was feeling vulnerable and he's been so kind to me. It just came out. I hope it doesn't cause any setbacks. So far things have been... well exactly like they have been since I got here. I know Danny needs time, it was just hard during dinner prep not to hug him, kiss his cheek, snuggle him, touch him like I used to, like I want to.</b>
  </em>
</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">
  <em>
    <b>I can't believe how easy this journaling is, I thought it would be harder. I guess it's easier to say things when you don't have to worry about a person's reaction, their facial expression, body language. Maybe I should just write Danny a letter tell him how I feel. That might not be a good idea actually. I'll ask Dr Becker on Wednesday.</b>
  </em>
</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">
  <em>
    <b>I hope Grace can find it in her heart to forgive me, or even just talk to me again. There's so much I want to tell her, I don't know what I'll do if she never wants to talk to me again. That would be awkward. I know it would make things hard on Danny and I really don't want to do that. I'd rather live without Danny than have things mess up between him and Grace because of me.</b>
  </em>
</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">
  <em>
    <b>I hope tomorrow is better. God forbid it be worse than today.</b>
  </em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Don't forget to follow me on over on Tumblr: RandoFando911</p><p>As always kudos and comments are not necessary but greatly appreciated.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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